A love letter.
I have never really written one before…
Simply because, love is a scary prospect. A complicated labyrinth of truths and lies that promises to bind you in its pretentious ties.
Anyone who has known me for more than a year will admit that I am an embodiment of impulsiveness. My mind has wings; not that of a hummingbird, but of a dragon.
When Ariana Grande sang ‘thank you, next’, my innards rejoiced. I have been saying ‘thank you, next’ to ATWIDB* since forever.
My fickle moods have made me an amoeba, unformed, undefined, shapeless and constantly moving.
My affair started with a harmless project in my third year of engineering when, like everyone in my batch, I was scrambling to get an internship. It was then that I got a chance to work as an android app developer. That was a short thing, though and it was good while it lasted. Intense, yes but barely okay. I was experimenting, trying to make out what I liked and what I didn’t. Sometimes, red was too bright for me and mauve too light. Roses were too romantic but hanging out too dull.
I knew it was not what I loved. When I finished college and entered another similar relationship, I could feel the traces of dissatisfaction of the old times. I tried to tell myself that I liked it, that I was enjoying spending hours involved in it. But soon it became too much and I got bored pretty easy. My commitment wavered. I didn’t know how to deal with the restlessness. Even though I was in a formal relation, having signed a two-year contract and what-not, I knew my heart was not in it. And if you are not attached; if the newness and the spark for which you were holding on is gone, what’s the point of it at all?
Meanwhile, I was getting into nightly excursions of sorts, short stuff that came in fits and bursts but kept me engaged. And strangely happy. Liberated. I wanted that liberation. So much so that I left this unhappy liaison.
I then spent two good years building myself, figuring stuff out, traveling and trying to find what worked for me and what didn’t. After that period of self-discovery, I made my way to a new connection, a new zone, a new group. However, it has been enough time and now, as before, the attraction and the novelty have started wearing off. Long relationships expose glaring gaps and yawning voids in the other; one has to be truly in love to keep plodding on, to undergo all kinds of torment that a relationship brings.
I am trying to be this new enlightened person and find my mojo, the lucky mascot that spells fire, that makes me get up in the morning with a heart beating with joy and excitement, that gives me truckloads of good stories to remember for the rest of my life. Yes, I am looking for that perfect piece of work that fits me, makes me happy and ensures that I have no regrets at the end of the day.
To all the work I did before (ATWIDB)
To all the work I loved before,
To all the work I have ever pretended to like and to all the work I thought I did,
I am still looking. But I am glad to have experimented, moved far and wide to find who I am. Someday, I wish to find myself and commit fully and lovingly to that which is art and life to me.
To all those out in the world like me,
You can be an amoeba for now. You don’t need to assume shape so soon. You can choose to be any shape or color or form you want.
To the love-hate relationship I and many like me have with work, may we all find our perfect fits.
Wandering and Traveling Amoeba
PS:*ATWIDB : All The Work I Did Before
I’m a daydreamer, a gazer of space, and a believer of wonderlands and neverlands, still trying to figure out how to deal with life while the chatty chit inside me ensures I have a hard enough time what with listening to her and the voices outside trying to piece everything together into a coherent whole. If you want to know the kind of things the chatty me comes up with, don’t hesitate to visit my mind’s bin : http://aashisha.com/
I work as a program manager by day and was even a computer engineer once. But I identify myself more with being an errant poet, a compulsive reader and an avid traveler. Having won the Times of India Write India Season 2, I have written for anthologies like the Readomania books of erotica, romance, historical fiction, mythology and crime. My debut novel by Rupa will be out in 2022.
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